I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
