During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's blow job season.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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