she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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