Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
