Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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