I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
