My friends, they love my intelligence
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
