i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
