Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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