I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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