Your face is a jimmy john
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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