i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
