i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He passed out mid-signature
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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