i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
