Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
