More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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