Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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