I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
