Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
