can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Pants are for mortals
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
