I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
