Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
