I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize