apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
