So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
