I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
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