sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
