I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
