Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
