god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
