at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
