Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
