my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize