if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
