i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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