Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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