I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It's rum buckets o'clock
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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