this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
