Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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