Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
