my sisters under your porch take her home
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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