Do you still have your period?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I faked an abortion last night.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
