I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
