I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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