stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
