i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
pop tarts are not kleenex
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
