My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You're like the curious george of whores
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
