I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
