How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize