I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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