come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
