I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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