Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
