I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize