My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize