What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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