Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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