Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
