dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
