I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
