My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
