She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
